I Can Never Forget
by drsweetsgirl
Summary: Shawn's memory haunts him as Gus tries to help him through it. Rated M for suicidal thoughts and actions. Also for later chapters- references to child abuse - not non-con. Shassie. Don't like, Don't read. Finished!
1. Shawn Gets Drunk

**No episode tags yet, but this takes place sometime after Abigail left for Uganda. It is definitely AU. Warnings for this chapter: Mild reference to suicidal thoughts. **

**Oh and I do not own Psych or its characters-They belong to the USA network. Also, the song every move you make belongs to a lovely band called The Police which I also do not own!**

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**May, 1996**

Shawn and Gus were sitting on the Gusters' porch when Shawn suddenly blurted out. "I'm leaving Gus."

Gus looked into his friend's eyes and noticed how the spark seemed to have dulled since the last time they had seen each other. "Why? Where? What happened? What's going on?" He paused and when Shawn didn't answer, he asked. "Is this because your dad arrested you?"

Shawn Spencer let out a dry laugh. "No. It's not because of that, though that was just a wonderful family moment, just great. That needs to go in the scrapbook. No, it's not that. I just have to go. I'm sorry. I promise I'll keep in touch."

"Shawn. Please don't do this. We're going to go to college together. You're my best friend. I'm yours. Just tell me what's going on. Please. I can help." Burton Guster grabbed Shawn's arm, holding on desperately.

"No. You really can't." Shawn shook out of Gus' grip and got on his motorcycle. "Bye Gus." Then, he was gone.

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**Present Day**

_Every breath you take and every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you. Every single day and every word you say…_

Groaning, Gus turned over in his bed and reached for his phone. Glancing at the clock, he had to look again before answering. "Four A. M. Really Shawn? This had better be important."

"Hey buddy. I knew you'd pick up. Just can't ignore The Police can you. Best song ever!" Shawn Spencer's voice rang out through the receiver. His words were slurring slightly.

Gus frowned as he sat up. "It's a creepy song Shawn. It's about a stalker and I definitely did not give you permission to change my ring tone."

"Oh, Gussipoo. Don't be the second silent L in the word Llama. The ring tone is for when I call, so I should get to pick it. You can pick yours tomorrow." Shawn replied, his words still slurring.

"Shawn? Are you drunk dialing me at four in the morning? Really?"

There was movement on the other end and suddenly another voice came on the line. "Your friend is having trouble getting to the point of this conversation. He needs a ride home. He handed over his keys and told me he couldn't drive. He's at Frank's. Are you coming to get him, or should I call someone else?"

"No. I mean, yes I'll get him. He really handed over his keys just like that?" Gus asked in wonder.

"Yes. I didn't even have to ask. He seemed to know he would be too drunk to walk, let alone ride. We're closed now. How soon can you get here?" The bartender asked brusquely.

"Fifteen minutes."

"Good. See you then." The phone disconnected and Gus stared at it for a few moments before getting dressed and heading out the door.

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He arrived at the bar ten minutes later. Shawn was sitting outside on a curb with a bulky bartender who looked slightly entertained, while still slightly irritated.

Seeing Gus, Shawn tried to stand up while smiling widely. The bartender steadied him as he almost fell to the ground. "Frank's bartender guy, this is Wilfred SchnoodleDoodle." Shawn giggled at the name he had given Gus.

Gus rolled his eyes. "Wow. He's drunk. I'm Gus. Thanks. What does he owe you?" Gus resignedly pulled out his wallet, waiting to see how much money Shawn was going to owe him this time.

"Nothing. He paid. And it's no problem; just make sure he gets some sleep. Here are his keys."

Gus stood in shock as the bartender maneuvered Shawn so he was leaning on Gus and walked away. Finally he snapped out of it and called "Thank you," before leading Shawn to the car. "You paid?" Gus asked incredulously. "And you gave him the keys to your bike without a fight? What the hell is going on Shawn?"

Shawn giggled again as Gus helped him into the car. "Don't sound so surprised Wilfred."

"But you never pay, you would never willingly hand over your keys, and I have never in my life seen you so drunk you couldn't walk straight." Gus said, his voice full of confusion and worry.

Shawn frowned in thought. "I wouldn't drive when I'm this drunk Gus. I never do that."

"But that's the thing. Since when do you get this drunk? You better not puke in my car by the way." Gus reminded him as he pulled out and drove towards Shawn's apartment/Laundromat.

"I won't I know. Company Car. And I do get this drunk at least once a week, but I call a cab for a ride."

"You get this drunk once a week!" Gus exclaimed angrily. "What the fuck Shawn! What are you an alcoholic now?"

"No. I don't know Gus. Don't yell please. You're making it all spinny." Shawn groaned, holding his head.

Gus rolled down the windows to get some air and calmed down. "Okay. So, you usually call a cab. Why call me today? What changed?"

Shawn sighed and mumbled quietly. "All I could think about all night, no matter how drunk I got, is how much better it would be if I were gone."

This statement caused another outburst from Gus. "If you were what? What do you mean, gone?"

"I don't know. Nothing. I just wanted to see you before…" Shawn trailed off, staring out the window.

Gus stared at his best friend for a few seconds, getting a very uncomfortable feeling in his gut. Quietly, not sure he wanted the answer, he asked. "Before what Shawn?"

"I don't know." Shawn's reply was strained and quiet and Gus could barely hear it. Gus stopped the car suddenly and carefully made a u-turn. Shawn looked up at him and asked. "Where are we going?"

"My place. You aren't going to be alone tonight. You sleep tonight and tomorrow we'll talk about this, but you aren't going to be alone." Shawn stared at him for a moment before looking out the window.

Shawn was quiet for five minutes as Gus drove, then "I can't forget."

"What?" Gus asked surprised, as he pulled into the parking lot. "You can't forget what?"

"Anything." Shawn said as Gus parked. Suddenly he was sobbing and Gus ran around to his side of the car and pulled him into a hug. At first, Shawn tensed, but then he let go and sobbed into Gus' shoulder. Gus led the sobbing Shawn inside and sat them both on the couch, while Shawn cried. "I can't forget anything. Please. I just want to be able to forget. Please." Gus rocked Shawn back and forth as he sobbed himself to sleep.

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**Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think! Comments make me smile, whether they are critical or not.**


	2. A Small Explanation

**Chapter Two Warnings: Mild reference to child abuse, I do not own Psych or it's characters or Red Robin. References to certain psych episodes-An evening with Mr. Yang, Shawn takes a shot in the dark, and you can't handle this episode. Please enjoy this chapter.**

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Shawn woke up on Gus' couch completely hung-over. Gus was in the kitchen making breakfast and Shawn sighed as he remembered the night before. Pulling his mask firmly back in place, he made his way into the kitchen. "Good Morning Gussikins." Shawn said in a cheery voice as Gus looked at him incredulously. "I have the mother of all hangovers. Please tell me you have pineapple to make it all better." The huge smile never left his face.

Gus sighed, but turned back to making the food. "Shawn, please don't do this."

"Do what?" Shawn asked innocently, taking a seat at the kitchen table.

Gus spun around, pointing the spatula at Shawn angrily. "Don't pretend last night didn't happen, because it did and we are talking about it."

"No. We are not." Shawn replied, his face becoming uncharacteristically serious, before resuming its cheerful attitude. "I was just drunk Gus. Forget it, okay?" Gus narrowed his eyes and Shawn sighed, placing his face in his hands. "You won't drop this will you?"

"Why would you think I would?" Gus asked softly, sitting across from him. "I am your best friend. I won't let you go off the deep end alone."

"Gus." Shawn whined. "I just get that way sometimes. I drink myself into oblivion and then I'm fine the next day. I shouldn't have called. I should have just slept it off, but I didn't. So, please can we just forget this ever happened?"

"No." Gus replied firmly.

"Why not?" Shawn asked indignantly.

Gus replied, mimicking Shawn's words from the night before. "Because you can never forget."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Thank you for that astounding observation Mister Guster. Bravo. You are correct, I can not forget, but you can. And that is exactly what I want you to do. Put it in the back of your mind somewhere and slowly forget about everything that happened last night because I do not now nor do I ever want to speak about it again." Shawn stormed to the other room and plopped down onto the couch.

Gus followed right behind him. "And I don't want to find you dead one morning because you've blown your brains out or slit your wrists or jumped off a bridge or whatever other creative way you've thought of to kill yourself."

Shawn looked over at Gus and noticed tears in his eyes. "You won't. I can handle it."

"You couldn't last night." Gus commented in a huff.

"I know that, but I realized I couldn't and I called you, so please trust me. I can-" Shawn was interrupted by an irate Gus.

"What if next time you don't call? You're my best friend and I can't lose you Shawn. Just please don't say you can handle it. You don't have to handle everything alone." He said vehemently.

"I've been handling this alone for a long time Gus." Shawn said, resigned to have this conversation, if only to get Gus off his back.

"How long is a long time?" Gus asked warily.

Putting a hand over his aching head, Shawn sighed before answering in a small voice. "The drinking- on and off since I was seventeen. Wanting to die- seventeen I guess, maybe younger."

Gus' eyes widened in shock. "But you never told me. You always seem so happy Shawn. I know you hide your feelings. I noticed that a long time ago, but I didn't know it was this bad."

"I am happy a lot of the time Gus. And it isn't _this bad_ or however bad you think it is. And I never told you because you would have told my mom or someone and I was dealing with it. I am dealing with it. Whenever I get too depressed, I go and drink. And it isn't once a week like I said. It's only once a week when I'm really depressed. So, since Abigail left and stopped writing to me. Before that, it was when I got shot. Before that, when my mom was kidnapped and I found out she's the one who left me with my dad. Before that-"

"I get the picture Shawn, but there's a better way to handle it."

"No. There isn't. Alcohol can't make me forget, but it dulls my memories and I can relax for a very small amount of time and I can sleep without thinking, without remembering."

"It's not the only way Shawn. I looked up some stuff last night while you were passed out. There's a place in Oregon that can help. Just hear me out, okay?" Gus added when Shawn started to interrupt. Once it was clear that he would let Gus finish, he continued. "They handle a lot of different types of people, but they have a specialist who can help people with eidetic memories. They help you build barriers in your mind, so that you aren't overwhelmed by everything. And-"

"Gus. I know." Shawn said with frustration. "Their specialist is my mother."

"What? I thought she was overseas."

"She is, but she stops by when necessary and when she isn't there, she works with people over a webcam. It doesn't matter anyway. I have those barriers. She taught me all that a long time ago. She didn't want me to go insane. A lot of people who have this _gift,_ do. The problem is that there are some memories that are too strong and my mom would probably be able to help me with it, but I am not going to share those memories. And that is exactly what she will want me to do."

"But Shawn, if she can help-"

Shawn stood up angrily. "I am not going to tell my mother how my dad couldn't handle it after she left and started getting drunk and beating the crap out of me!" he screamed.

"He did what?" Gus yelled, standing up too.

Realizing his slip, Shawn backtracked. "I mean, you know, things of the same caliber of nightmarish that I wouldn't be able to tell my mom. Look, I'm going to go." Shawn backed towards the door quickly. "It was just an example Gus. You know my dad. He would never-"

"Shawn I swear to god. If you lie to me right now, I will never forgive you." Gus said wearily, sitting back down.

"I-He-Gus, it was nothing really. I'm fine. He was just drunk and I left so he-"

"That's the reason you left?" Gus asked quietly. Shawn nodded. "You should have told me. You could have stayed with us and he-"

"Stayed with you? Are you kidding? Your parents hated me." Shawn said sitting down next to Gus again.

"They would have let you stay. You would have been safe." Gus's voice cracked and he suddenly put his hands to his face and tears ran down his cheeks. "Oh my god. You weren't safe."

"Does it matter now? It's over. Dad's not the same. And I'm okay." Shawn's reassurances only made Gus cry harder. "Gus, seriously man. It's alright. I'm fine. I just have a hard time handling things sometimes, but I really am okay. I mean look. We have our own company and I'm a semi-renowned psychic. Seriously man, you are totally overreacting. It's in the past." Seeing that Gus wasn't going to calm down any time soon, Shawn pulled him to his chest and let him cry it out.

When he was finally finished, Gus jumped up. "Shit! I burned breakfast." He yelled as he ran into the kitchen. Shawn followed and burst into a fit of laughter. Somehow, the frying pan had managed to keel sideways and knock over a carton of orange juice, which had made a spectacular mess all over the floor. The only thing not damaged was a perfectly sliced pineapple. After scowling for a moment, Gus started laughing too and it was a few minutes before they calmed down.

Finally Shawn said, "You know it's almost lunchtime anyway. We should go to Red Robin."

"You know that's right!" Gus exclaimed, holding up a fist.

"Wha-hut!" Shawn exclaimed, fist-bumping Gus enthusiastically.

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As they drove to their favorite burger joint, Gus commented. "You do realize I'm not just going to drop this, right?"

"I kind of figured that out when you were bawling like a little girl." Shawn said, teasing.

"Whatever Shawn. That never happened and I was being serious." Gus said irritably.

Shawn sighed loudly. "I know Gus-gus-worry-pants, but can we just go get some delicious burgers and forget about it for a little while."

"Fine, but I will help you Shawn." Shawn just smiled in return and Gus drove on, satisfied that maybe Shawn would finally listen to him, just this once.

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**Please comment if you like or if you don't. I don't mind constructive criticism.**


	3. Vacation Plans

**Thanks for the great reviews. Here is chapter 3. Still don't own Psych or its characters. Hope you enjoy!**

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Back at the Psych office, Gus and Shawn finished their burgers in silence. When Gus was done, he turned to Shawn. "I think we should take a month off."

"From Psych?" Shawn said with his mouth full of burger. "No way buddy! What would I do while you're off being a drug dealer?"

"I deliver pharmaceuticals, Shawn. I'm not a drug dealer. Besides, I'll take off from there too. I just think we need a break." Gus explained.

Shawn narrowed his eyes. "This is because you have decided I'm suicidal, isn't it?"

"No, well partially. It's also because I think we need a vacation. You know my aunt? The one that loves me and is filthy rich?"

"Yes. Aunt-filthy-rich-and-loves-Gus. Of course." Shawn smirked.

"Don't call her that. Anyway, Aunt Nina has been offering to let me use her cabin for years now. I always say no, but maybe-"

"You expect me to go camping. Have we met? Hi. I'm Shawn Spencer. I love long walks on the beach, pineapples, irritating certain head detectives, and I absolutely hate camping. Nice to meet you." Shawn said, holding out his hand for a handshake for emphasis.

"It's not camping. It's a mansion in the woods with a fifty inch television with satellite. It has a tennis court and a nice fireplace. Plus an indoor pool and-"

"Please tell me you are about to say hottub!" Shawn said, excitedly, leaning forward.

"A really big hot tub." Gus replied.

Shawn discarded the rest of his food. "We have to go. How come you have never told me about this before?"

Gus sighed, but decided not to comment on the fact that Shawn had eaten less than half of his burger. "I have Shawn. You always tune me out after I say the word cabin."

"Whatever. Gus! A hot tub!" Shawn said, jumping up and down excitedly.

"And a chef who cooks whatever you want. So, are we taking a month off?" Gus asked.

"Yes. Wait, no."

"No?" Gus asked incredulously. "Why not?"

"Well, Gus. It's just-We don't-We're not-" Shawn gestured wildly with his hands, trying to find the right words.

"Would you just spit it out?" Gus replied after listening to him sputter for a few moments.

"Hot tubs are not really a plutonic friend kind of deal. Neither are cabins in the woods for that matter. And we are definitely not a couple. We need this to be a group thing or it's just weird." Shawn explained.

Gus rolled his eyes. "This is about me making sure you are actually okay and not just pretending. I am not taking no for an answer Shawn. I can't deal with losing you. So, if that means that we look gay to the outside world, than so be it, because you need to get away for a while. We can either go to this cabin mansion for free, or you can find some other more expensive way to spend our time, but we are taking a month off."

"I could really care less if people think I'm gay. That's not the point. I was just thinking. Would it be okay if we invite Lassie?" Shawn asked hesitantly

"Lassiter?" Gus narrowed his eyes. "Really?"

"And Jules." Shawn added quickly. "They both need a break from everything lately. What with Jules brother being a government assassin and you know Lassie has a lonely life to begin with."

Gus sighed. "He's going to say no Shawn. And then you are going to be all sad and pouty."

"I won't. If they say no, they say no, but we should ask anyway. Please Gus? It'll be fun. You can put the moves on Jules in front of the fireplace. Come on. I know you want to." Shawn said quickly.

"Okay."

"Great. I'll ask Lassie-face. You ask Jules." Excited, Shawn scampered out the door with a genuine smile on his face, while Gus followed mumbling, "This will not turn out well."

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Shawn bounded into the station and over to Carlton Lassiter's desk immediately, while Gus scanned the area and made his way over to Juliet O'hara. He then proceeded to sit on the edge swinging his legs, until Lassiter acknowledged him.

"What do you want Spencer?" Lassiter said, not taking his eyes off the paperwork he was filling out. "We don't need your help for anything. We never do, so why are you here?"

Shawn's smile dropped a fraction before he could put his mask back in place. "Lassie-face, I know you need me, but that's not why I'm here. What I do want is for you to take a vacation and come to this nice little cabin with me." Lassiter glanced up briefly and Shawn added. "And Gus and Jules. He's asking her right now."

"Why would you think I would want to spend any more time around you?" Lassiter sneered maliciously. "I see enough of you as it is."

This time Shawn didn't bother trying to hide his hurt, since Lassiter wasn't looking at him anyway. "But Lassie, you need a vacation. The spirits are telling me this would be good for you."

Lassiter looked up and ignored the hurt on Shawn's face as he replied. "I don't give a damn what your little spirits think. Thanks but no thanks. If I was going to take a vacation, it would not be with you and your little sidekick."

Gus and Jules watched as Shawn rambled on trying to persuade Lassiter. They noticed how Shawn's demeanor steadily became bleaker and more disappointed as the conversation went on. "I knew this was a bad idea." Gus mumbled.

"Is Shawn okay? I don't think I have ever seen him look this sad for more than a second or two." Juliet asked concerned.

"No. He's not and this is making it worse." Gus said, walking towards Shawn and Lassiter with determination in his eyes.

Before he could head over, Juliet grabbed his arm. "I'll talk to Lassiter. The chief has been pushing us both to take time off, so she could train some new people for another department. And I'll definitely be there, if you still want me. I have enough leave time saved up to take two months vacation, but a month with you guys would be nice."

"We definitely do and please do talk to Lassiter. Shawn really wants him there." Gus smiled before his determined look returned and he headed over to Shawn.

When he reached the two, Shawn was practically begging and close to tears. "Please, Lassie. I-"

Gus interrupted him quickly. "Shawn. We're going." Shawn looked at him pitifully but headed towards the door immediately, his head down, hands in their pockets, and sadness in his eyes. When Shawn was out of earshot, Gus leaned down to Lassiter and said angrily. "You are a complete and total ass. If you were any kind of detective, you would be able to tell Shawn is upset and be nice about saying no. You had no reason to be such a complete jerk about it." Gus turned around to Juliet and added. "Tell the chief after Monday we are taking a month off, so don't call us." Before Lassiter could reply, Gus stormed away.

Juliet turned to Lassiter with a stern look and as Gus walked out of the station, he heard her say angrily. "What is wrong with you?"

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Gus found Shawn in the car, hunched over in the seat with his head in his hands. Gus sighed and got in the car. "I told you this was a bad idea."

Shawn didn't look up as he replied in a hoarse voice. "I know. I should have listened to you. He hates me."

Gus looked over as he started the car. "He doesn't hate you. He's just an ass. Juliet is going to talk to him. She wants to come and she thinks the chief will let them have the time off to train some people for some other department."

"Yea?" Shawn looked up hopefully and Gus had to do a double take at the tears streaking down his face.

"You-you're crying." Gus said stupidly.

Shawn furiously wiped at his eyes. "Don't know what you're talking about."

"Shawn, I have never seen you cry sober before. Ever. Hell, even drunk I've only see you cry maybe twice. Last night and that time in Mexico. I mean, even when you were shot, you didn't cry." Gus said stunned. "What's going on? Lassiter's an ass, but he's always an ass. You never take him this seriously."

"I always take him this seriously." Shawn argued, looking away. "But I always hide it. I don't know why, but I can't hide it anymore. I tried in there. It was like I could barely keep it together. I think I might be going insane."

"This is why we need a vacation. There's nothing wrong with crying." Gus said as he pulled the car out onto the highway. "I've always found it odd that you don't cry more Shawn. I mean, even at crime scenes. It's like nothing affects you. You don't always have to hide how you feel."

"What good would it have done for the entire precinct to see me cry? Especially Lassiter. I don't need them to feel sorry for me. I'm fine." Gus huffed at that statement. "I am fine. Now, for a super swift and not at all awkward change of subject, maybe we should invite my dad so Lassie will come."

Gus looked over at Shawn so quickly he nearly crashed. Once he had the car under control again, Shawn said. "Wow. And I'm the suicidal one."

"Don't joke about that Shawn and we are so not inviting your dad to our vacation." Gus said firmly.

"If it makes Lassie come…" Shawn trailed off as he noticed Gus tense. "Why are you mad?"

"If your father comes, he will say some stupid thing to insult you and you will pretend you aren't upset when you actually are. If that happens, I will punch him and if I punch him, I will not stop punching him. So, even if Lassiter is there, I will be arrested for murder and our relaxing vacation will be over before it even starts." Gus explained in a voice that held a malicious fury.

"You have been around my father plenty of times before and not punched him." Shawn pointed out helpfully.

"That was before I knew he was an abusive son of a bitch." Gus growled.

"Okay. That's it." Shawn pulled out his cell phone and dialed Henry's number. "Hey dad. You need to come to Psych." He paused. "No. Not for a case." Another pause. "Yes I'm fine." Gus huffed angrily. "Just come over to Psych. You and Gus have to talk." Another small pause and then Shawn sighed. "Because I got plastered last night and accidentally told Gus that you hit me after mom left." Yet another pause. "I know you did. Just come over okay. Yeah. See you soon." Shawn hung up the phone and looked over at Gus. "You were right. I don't want him to come with us on our vacation. That would be annoying, but you do need to talk, so problem solved."

"What did he say?" Gus asked.

"That I should have told you when it happened." Shawn replied. "And that he'd be right over."

"I don't want to talk to him Shawn." Gus said angrily.

"Yea well, I want pineapple day to be named a national holiday, but we can't always get what we want." Shawn said happily as the drove to the Psych office, glad for an excuse to forget about Lassiter.


	4. Explanations Fall Short

**Still don't own psych or it's characters!**

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Gus and Shawn arrived at the Psych office ten minutes before Henry. When he walked in, Gus narrowed his eyes and made to stand up, but Shawn held him down. "Just listen to him. Then, if you'd like to punch him, be my guest." Turning to his father, he added, "Hey dad."

"Hey Shawn." Turning to Gus, Henry started to say hello as well, but stopped at the look of pure hatred Gus was giving him. "Hey Gu- Right. Look, I know I can't explain this and everything will be okay-"

"Then why are you even here?" Gus interrupted.

"Buddy, you promised you'd listen." Shawn whined, playfully punching Gus in the arm. Gus nodded, closed his mouth, and waited for Henry to continue.

Henry sighed. "There is no way to explain what I did that would make everything okay because what I did was unforgivable. Only, Shawn forgave me, so I'm just going to tell you what I told him. I was drunk when I hit Shawn." Shawn got up and walked into the other room. Gus and Henry stared after him for a minute, but then returned to the conversation. "But it was more than that. I was angry. Maddie was gone and I was blaming Shawn, even though he didn't deserve any blame. The things I said to him, I can't believe I could say things like that to anyone, let alone Shawn." Henry took a deep breath.

"What did you say?" Gus asked, knowing he might need to know.

Shawn returned to the room and shook his head seriously at his father. "Under no circumstance will you tell him."

"But he deserves to know-" Henry argued.

"You are giving him an explanation, but if you tell him what you said, two things will happen. You will get a black eye from Gus and who knows what else while I attempt to hold him back. And secondly, I will never forgive you. I'll tell him when I'm ready, but you are not going to tell him." Shawn explained, taking a sip of his drink and sitting down again.

"Alright. I won't. I'm sorry." Henry said quickly and Shawn nodded for him to continue. "Right. Well, I beat the crap out of him almost every night for a week and some more after that. Then, to top it all off I arrested him, even though my partner pleaded with me not to. Even after that, I hit him. Then he left and as much as I wanted to drag him back, he couldn't be found. It was the best decision he ever made."

Suddenly, Gus snatched the glass out of Shawn's hand and took a sip. "Pineapple Rum? Really? It's not even three yet!"

Shawn narrowed his eyes and snatched the glass back. "Not now, Gus." Shawn said and he turned around to stare out the window. "Anytime you want to continue is good dad."

"What's going on?" Henry asked. "Why are you drinking at three in the afternoon?"

"We aren't here to discuss _my_ drinking." Shawn answered. "Can you just get this over with?"

Gus stared at his friend's back as Henry continued hesitantly. "Uh, okay. Well, after Shawn left, I stopped drinking. Before you interrupt, yes I drink now. Just let me finish. I got sober and I thought that would be the end of my anger and resentment towards Shawn, but it wasn't. After a year of sobriety, the anger was still there. So, I went to therapy. Anger management therapy to be exact. After another year of sobriety and anger management, I realized I was angry at myself, not Shawn. I took it out on myself with the drinking and when that wasn't enough, I turned my anger on Shawn." Tears filled Henry's eyes. "And I will never forgive myself. I'm still in therapy. I do drink occasionally, but drinking was never the real problem. The real problem was my inability to handle my wife leaving me."

Gus was silent for a minute, so Shawn turned around exasperated. "Dude. Seriously, say something!"

"I'm still mad." Gus answered honestly.

"I knew you would be, because you are the best friend ever, but are you as mad?" Shawn asked sitting down.

"Slightly less, I suppose." Gus looked at Shawn and saw him drinking again. "And look at that, the anger has returned."

"Gus! Please. Isn't this why we are going on vacation? You can fix me or whatever then. For now, just let me be." Seeing Gus' angry eyes, he added with a hint of desperation. "Please."

Gus sighed. "Fine!" He turned to Henry. "Shawn may have forgiven you, and I have no idea why, but I don't. I might eventually, but I can't right now. You were an adult. You don't take your anger out on a kid, teenager, whatever."

"I know." Henry said quietly.

Gus continued. "And I guarantee he didn't fight back, because I know Shawn."

"He didn't." Henry agreed.

"Well, he should have." Gus replied.

Rolling his eyes, Shawn said. "Oh come on, Gus. I hate fighting."

"You could have kicked his ass." Gus argued.

"And what good would that have done?" Shawn retorted angrily.

"You're going on vacation?" Henry interrupted their little disagreement before it could get too much fire.

"Well the point of the vacation is for me to try to get into Lassie-pants' pants." Shawn paused, then turned to Gus. "That little word play didn't work out as well as I thought it would."

"It really didn't." Gus replied dryly.

"The point of the vacation is to what?" Lassiter's outraged voice came from the doorway, as Henry just stood looking at Shawn with a shocked look.

"Chill lassie-face. I knew you were there." Shawn said with a smile. "But the look on you and dad's face is just priceless. Gus, take a picture."

Gus rolled his eyes and turned to Lassiter. "What do you want?"

Composing himself, Lassiter replied. "I-If the offer still stands, then I would like to go camping with you."

"You're going camping?" Henry asked suspiciously.

"No. Lassie just misunderstood. We are going to Gus's Aunt's cabin which while in the woods, has satellite television and a pool and a tennis court. Oh and a hot tub. Score!" He fist-bumped Gus excitedly and turned back to Lassiter seriously. "If Jules threatened you to make you come, you really don't have to. I just thought it might be fun."

"She didn't threaten me. The chief said I have to take a vacation. I thought about it and spending a month alone in my house is not exactly healthy, so I figured if you and O'Hara and Guster were going anyway, then there is no reason why I shouldn't join you." Lassiter explained grumpily. "I still don't understand why I need a vacation."

Shawn laughed. "I didn't want to go on a vacation either. Gus is making me. So, maybe he can explain the reasoning behind forced vacations."

Lassiter looked to Gus expectantly. Gus in turn glared at Shawn and said. "If you want me to tell him why we are taking this vacation, then I will."

Shawn fidgeted nervously and changed the subject. "So, dad. What have you been up to?"

Henry took the hint and answered. "The usual. Nothing special."

Shawn looked at his father. "Good that's good. I would invite you on this trip, but apparently it would end in murder and mayhem, with Gus in jail and everyone's vacation ruined. So, can't have that."

"Shawn!" Gus yelled exasperated, trying to smack Shawn, who ducked skillfully, laughing.

"Right." Lassiter said, making his way to the door. "I just came down here to tell you that I can go, so now I'm going to leave. Just call with the details."

"Bye Lassie!" Shawn called, hiding behind a chair as Gus tried to smack him.

"Bye Shawn." Henry called, exiting the door as well. "Bye Gus." Shawn and Gus didn't respond, since they were attempting to either evade or attack each other.

"Gus, Lassie's coming!" Shawn said excitedly, jumping up and hugging him enthusiastically, a huge genuine smile filling his face.

"I heard. You didn't actually know he was at the door when you said you wanted to get in his pants, did you?" Gus asked as he squirmed out of Shawn's grip and covertly knocked Shawn's glass of rum into the trashcan.

"Nope. Had no clue." Shawn said smiling and heading to the door. Pointing to his glass in the trashcan, Shawn added. "I saw that though."

"And?" Gus followed him outside, locking the door.

"And nothing. Let's go pack. I have the perfect pineapple patterned swimwear." Shawn said running towards Gus' car. "Oh and we have to get my bike."

"Please tell me you aren't talking about that Speedo!" Gus called after him, a look of alarm on his face. "Shawn. You know how Speedos terrify me. Shawn!"

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**If this seems to not flow well, please let me know. I wrote the second half before the first half. So, just leave a comment and I will fix anything that needs fixing. I did read it through twice, so it should be fine, but if anyone has any complaints of comments, please let me know!**


	5. The Car Ride

**Sorry this took me so long to update. I was trying to finish all my stories before I had my babygirl, but then I had to have her early and there were complications. Anywho, I am slowly updating my stories. So, sorry to all my readers. I tried to finish them all while I had time and now I have no time, but just know that I have not abandoned them. **

**One last thing, if the flashbacks or tenses are unclear, please let me know and I'll fix it. I think it's pretty clear where the different parts fit in, but let me know if you're confused and I have no problem adding in some explanations.**

**Chapter 5: slight mention of suicidal thoughts.**

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A few days later, everything was arranged and Gus, Shawn, Juliet, and Carlton were piled into Gus's car. Shawn had drifted off in the front seat, his head against the window, while the others carried on a quiet conversation.

"So, why did you guys decide to go on vacation?" Juliet asked. "I mean, we were obviously forced by Chief Vick, but what about you?"

Gus thought for a moment wondering what to say, when Shawn suddenly spoke up. "Gus is a worry-wart and he's worry-warting about me and decided a vacation was necessary."

"Why is he worried?" Lassiter asked, concern edging his voice. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Shawn lied easily with a bright smile and Gus tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "We've just had a lot of cases lately and we're both kinda burned out."

"You have been helping us out a lot." Juliet added helpfully.

"Exactly." Shawn replied.

"And we've had a ton of other clients." Gus added, not mentioning that Shawn was forcing himself to work a ton of extra cases to keep busy. Turning to Shawn, he changed the subject. "I though you were going to sleep."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "But, mom…" Seeing Gus's glare, he sighed. "I tried, but as comfy as your little blueberry is, it's still a car."

"Shawn," Gus lowered his voice. "You promised me that you would sleep on the ride up there."

"And I tried." Shawn hissed through clenched teeth, attempting to control his temper. "I'm sorry if I can't sleep when you want me to."

Gus raised his voice slightly without realizing it as he replied. "How about at all? You haven't slept more than an hour or two in four days!"

Shawn glared at Gus as Lassiter spoke up. "You haven't slept in four days?"

Shawn didn't answer. Instead he focused his anger on Gus as his fists clenched. Gus attempted to stammer an apology, but Shawn interrupted. "Pull over! Now!"

Gus pulled over and Shawn got out of the car and slammed the door. Gus followed, while Lassiter and Juliet watched from the car. Shawn walked a few yards away from the car, before spinning around to face Gus. "So, what's the plan? Are you going to tell them all my plans? All my secrets? You going to tell them about when I had sex the first time and the girl laughed at me for wanting to cuddle afterwards and I spent the weekend crying in your room? Or how about the time when I was five and broke my arm and both my parents were too busy to come to the hospital, so your parents came instead?" His tone suddenly turned from angry to defeated as he spoke. "I'm supposed to be able to trust you! This was a bad idea. Just take me home. I'll deal with things on my own. It was stupid of me to think I could trust anyone." He turned away as tears filled his eyes.

Gus's expression was filled with regret and anguish. "Don't say that. I'm so sorry. I should never have said that in the car. I forgot they were there. Please Shawn, you can trust me. You really can. I'm really, really sorry Shawn. Please don't be mad. Please trust me."

Gus placed a reassuring hand on Shawn's shoulder. Shawn flinched, but then spun around and buried himself in Gus's shoulder, shaking slightly. Gus felt his shirt dampen with tears as he wrapped his arms around Shawn. "I'm s-so t-tired!" Shawn whispered between sobs. "I c-can't handle a-anyt-thing anym-more. I j-just want t-to sleep, but I c-c-can't. I'm t-too s-scared of n-n-nightmares. I know I-I p-promised. I'm sorry. I just c-can't."

They stayed that way for a few more minutes before Shawn finally pulled away. He tried to apologize, but Gus cut him off. "I got something for you to help you sleep. I lied to my doctor, said they were for me. I know all your medical info, so you can definitely take these Shawn. No arguments. Here." He handed Shawn two white pills and Shawn swallowed them without a word of protest. "Wow. I really thought you'd fight me on this."

Shawn just shrugged and replied simply. "I'm tired." He took a deep breath and composed himself as best as he could.

"I know." Gus said heading back to the car. They both got into the car without a word of explanation. Shawn shut his eyes and leaned once again on the door, while Gus started the engine and pulled away. Lassiter and Juliet exchanged glances, but didn't comment. The rest of the drive was silent and Shawn finally drifted off to sleep.

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10 Minutes Earlier

Juliet and Lassiter watched helplessly as Shawn and Gus stormed out of the car.

"Uh-oh." Juliet said, watching Shawn gesturing angrily. Then his expression crumpled and he turned away. "Poor Shawn." Lassiter tried to get out of the car, but Juliet stopped him. "Let Gus handle it."

Lassiter growled but obeyed, murmuring. "He hasn't slept in four days, Ohara."

"I told you that something was wrong, but do you listen?" Juliet replied, shooting Lassiter a glare. Lassiter sighed, remembering their conversation from a couple days before.

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_Juliet approached Lassiter angrily. "What is wrong with you?"_

"_What are you talking about?" Lassiter asked, watching Spencer and Guster leave the building. He looked at Ohara's face and cringed. "Why are you mad?"_

"_Despite the fact that you one of the best detectives I have ever met, you are also the most dense." Seeing his confused expression, Juliet pulled him to his feet. "Follow me!" She led him to a deserted stairwell. "You like Shawn."_

"_What?" Lassiter blurted out, stunned._

"_You have feelings for Shawn Spencer." Juliet repeated simply._

"_I don't-"_

_Juliet interrupted. "And since you obviously can not figure it out on your own, he has feelings for you as well."_

"_No he doesn't." Lassiter replied sadly. "But you are right about me."_

"_You are a complete moron!" She exclaimed._

"_Excuse me?" Lassiter growled._

_She replied, unfazed by his menacing growl. "He just invited you to go on vacation with him and you just shot him down in the meanest possible way. How could you not see how affected, how hurt he was by your words? He was practically in tears when he left and he couldn't even hide it. When have you ever known Shawn to not hide behind his big bright smile? He always hides his feelings. The most he ever shows is a quick flash of what he's feeling, but he could barely keep from crying. Do you know what Gus said?" Juliet asked furiously._

"_What?" Lassiter inquired quietly, looking appropriately ashamed._

"_I asked Gus if Shawn was okay and do you know what he said?" Juliet barreled on without waiting for a reply this time. "No. Shawn is not okay and you. You, Carlton made it worse. He likes you and has for a while. God! He practically throws himself at you and you never notice. Hell, he even sat on your lap for God's sake. And still, you never notice!"_

"_I notice." Lassiter replied quietly. "I just thought he figured out that I liked him and was taunting me."_

"_Well, you thought wrong!"_

"_Obviously." Lassiter replied, angry with himself. "Do you think Shawn's alright?"_

"_No, but we will figure it out and we'll help him in any way we can. Which means you and I are going on this vacation with them." Juliet ordered, leaving no room for debate._

"_I'll clear it with the chief, and then I'll go find Shawn and tell him." Lassiter replied, leaving the stairwell._

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Lassiter continued to watch as Shawn spun and proceeded to cry his heart out while Gus held him. He turned a shocked face to Juliet, only to be met by her own shocked features. Tears formed in her eyes, but she did not let them fall. "Oh, God. What's wrong with Shawn?"

"He'll be okay. No matter what's wrong, we'll fix it. This vacation will help. We'll make sure of that." Lassiter replied gruffly, trying to mask the pain he felt in his heart at the sight of a sobbing Shawn. Lassiter noticed Gus hand Shawn some pills.

"Quick! Turn around! They're coming back." Juliet squeaked. As Shawn and Gus got into the car, Lassiter opened his mouth to say something, but Juliet kicked him discreetly. So, they spent the remainder of the car ride in silence, but Lassiter was pleased to see that Shawn soon drifted off to sleep.


	6. The Arrival  this chapter is very short

**I am debating about the rest of this chapter, so I'm just going to post this until I decide. I already have something written, but I'm not sure if I like it. So, until I figure it out, let this tide you over. Enjoy and comments make me giddy!**

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They arrived at the cabin while there was still some daylight left. To say it was a cabin would be a gross understatement. It was a giant mansion that just happened to be made of wood. It was nestled in a small grove of trees and a lake was glistening in the dwindling light of the evening. A large enclosed deck snacked around the side of the house from the back.

"Wow." Juliet cooed as they pulled up. She and Lassiter exited the vehicle to get their belongings from the trunk, while Gus made his way around the car to wake Shawn from his slumber. Shawn screamed when Gus shook him awake. Realizing his mistake, Gus crouched down and told him. "Shawn, it's okay."

Shawn's eyes darted around frantically, taking in his surroundings. "Oh." He took a deep breath and suddenly his face morphed. The fear, uncertainty, and sadness changed into a bright smile and a happy-go-lucky attitude. "Of course it is! Why wouldn't it be okay? In fact, it's better than okay. We have a whole month of hot-tubbing to look forward to, with my three favorite people." Shawn said brightly. "I mean, look at this place. It's amazing!"

Gus sighed, but went along with the charade. "Hot-tubbing isn't a word and you better not have brought any of your Speedos!"

"But Gus! They look hot and you have no reason to fear the ultimate bathing outfit." Shawn protested as he got out of the car. He stumbled groggily and moaned as his world spun.

Luckily, Lassiter caught him by the arm before he could fall. Concerned, he asked. "You okay?"

Shawn let the world refocus before replying. "Yes. I'm perfectly stupendous! Or wonderfully awesome, whichever you prefer. The world just spun extra fast for a moment. Didn't you feel that?" Shawn giggled and then blushed. "You're holding me"

Lassiter let go of Shawn's arm and rolled his eyes. Ignoring his last comment, he replied. "Sorry. I must have missed the spinning. I was too busy concentrating on the fact that you almost fell flat on your face."

"Did not!" Shawn replied petulantly, making his way slowly to the trunk.

Lassiter did not miss the way Shawn weaved slightly as he walked, even as he leaned heavily on the car for support. "I'll get your bag." After his offer, Shawn, Gus and Juliet stared at him as if he had spouted dragon's fire. "What? He can barely walk straight and the last thing any of us needs is to spend the first night of vacation in the E. R. because he falls flat on his face. I can carry a duffle bag if it means relaxing in a hot tub."

"You like hot tubs! I knew we were meant to be together." Shawn replied, his mind slowly catching up with his words. He looked at Lassiter and blushed deeper than before. "We're going to pretend I said thanks for carrying my bag Lassie!"

Lassiter blushed and grabbed Shawn's bag silently. Juliet threw him a smug look on their way to the door. Gus opened the door quickly and they made their way inside in shock and awe.


	7. Et Tu Brute'

**No warnings this time, only general angstyness and maybe some cusswords, but its rated M what do you expect? I do not own Psych or its characters. Sorry it took so long. I had a different chapter written, but I'm glad I rewrote it because I like this version better.**

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Gus and Shawn were currently in the guest bedroom in which Shawn would be residing during their stay. The room included a large bed, a bedside table with accompanying lamp, a dresser and a connecting bathroom. Gus was currently unloading all of Shawn's items and folding his clothes, before placing them inside the aforementioned dresser. He had already unpacked his things, but felt the need to do the same with Shawn's because he knew from past experience Shawn would otherwise live out of his suitcase for a month.

"What the fuck did you give me Gus?" Shawn asked. Jokingly, he added. "Xanax?"

Gus remained silent.

"Oh my God!" Shawn exclaimed, horrified when Gus didn't answer. "You gave me Xanax! How could you? Did you hear what I said to Lassiter?"

"It wasn't Xanax!" Gus said carefully. "It was Alprazolam Intensol. And you used to take Xanax anyway. Remember?"

"Did you really just ask if I remembered? Alprazolam is Xanax, as you well know, Mr. Drug Store. And I used to take it to get high. Are you trying to get me high? Because, seriously, I gotta tell you, you should definitely just let me drink instead. That seems healthier. And why in the world did your doctor prescribe Xanax as a sleeping pill? His license should be revoked."

"I told him I was anxious all the time and was having trouble sleeping because of my anxiety. Alprazolam Intensol," Gus put extra emphasis on the name of the drug. "Is used for anxiety disorders and panic attacks. He offered to give me a sleeping pill as well, but I told him I would just try this first. I'm not trying to get you high. I only gave you one. The major side effect is drowsiness, so I figured it would help calm you down and maybe you'd finally get some sleep. Once you get your memories under control, you won't need it anyway. Now, stop worrying and go to sleep." He shut the drawer of the dresser after placing Shawn's last shirt inside.

"How can I sleep when I told Lassie that we were meant to be together? This is all your fault. You know how talkative I get when I take Xanax." Shawn moaned.

"Jesus!" Gus exclaimed angrily, throwing his hands up in frustration before pointing his pointer finger at Shawn. "Did you even see his face?"

"Yes. So what?" Shawn replied, confused.

"Think about his face. Remember it right now." Gus demanded.

"I don't see what good can come of that." Shawn mumbled, lowering his eyes to his hands.

"Just do it." Gus replied gently, sitting next to Shawn on the bed. He placed an arm around his shoulder encouragingly.

Shawn sighed and closed his eyes. He spoke as the scene played in his mind's eye in perfect recall, focusing in on Lassiter's face. "I said… What I said. And he looked shocked or surprised and…"

When Shawn trailed off, Gus prompted. "And?"

Shawn opened his eyes and smiled hesitantly. "He looked excited or happy or pleased or something. Well I mean…, he didn't look disgusted."

"He looked ecstatic." Gus informed him. "He likes you too. You know, it's really not that surprising Shawn."

Shawn looked even more surprised at that. He shook Gus's arm off his shoulder as he replied. "Why not? First of all, Lassie is totally straight, like straighter than the lines on notebook paper. Not to mention the fact that he totally hates me. Plus, I'm me. I mean, who the hell would like me? Why in the hell would Lassiter like me?" Seeing Gus's frown, he added. "Besides my hair of course."

Gus snorted and joked. "In spite of your hair, you mean." Then, he grew serious. "Why wouldn't he like you? You're sweet and loyal. You always make everyone smile. You're smart, even if you sometimes act like a fool. And you are hot! If I was gay or you were a girl, I'd totally do you." Shawn laughed which made Gus smile. "And Lassiter probably just acts straight because he's a cop and you know how cops can be."

"Yeah. I do." Shawn sighed again and lowered his voice to a whisper. "I still don't understand. He can't like me. I'm just…He shouldn't…I don't deserve…I can't…"

"Shawn, would you just spit it out?" Gus asked as Shawn let his half-sentences trail off into silence.

"I don't deserve to be loved. I'm nothing. I'm broken and wrong and he shouldn't like me because I'll taint him." Shawn blurted out quickly.

Gus stared at him in silence for a few minutes trying to formulate a good response. Eventually, he replied. "That's just completely untrue. I don't know what to say to that." He paused momentarily, and then forced himself to add. "So, I called you mom."

Shawn stood up angrily. "What!" To calm himself, Shawn took a deep breath. More hurt than angry he continued. "Are you trying to ruin our friendship? Is that what's going on? You're sick of me but afraid to tell me?"

It was Gus's turn to let out a cry of "What!", but his was in indignation.

"What other explanation is there? They say three strikes your out and bad things come in threes. Well, three times today you have purposefully pissed me off." Gus tried to interrupt, but Shawn countered his attempt by getting louder. He started pacing as he counted off on his fingers. "First you tell Lassie and Jules that I haven't been sleeping lately, which I specifically asked you not to do. Your second betrayal of our friendship today was to make me think I was taking a sleeping pill while really giving me Xanax." Seeing Gus about to interrupt, he held up a hand to halt him. "Fine, Alprazolam!"

Shawn sat down in exasperation as he continued. "You know how much I over-share when I take that shit and therefore should have known I would say something stupid. Thirdly, you called my mother which I know I was very clear on. I did not want to call her. I did not want you to call her for me. I did not want your postman to call her for you which in turn would be for me. There was to be no calling of my mother. What the hell Gus? Do you hate me that much? You're supposed to be my best friend. I'm seriously beginning to doubt that title. Maybe, worst friend ever is a better description. Or friend with a total disregard for promises made to other friend, but that's probably too long." He paused again to take a breath and then said quietly, "Maybe I should just go."

"No!" Gus said quickly. "Look, we just got here. If you want me to go, I will, but you need this vacation. Could you at least listen to my reasoning first?"

"You know I won't make you leave. This is your aunt's place. Plus, you're my only real friend. At least, I thought you were, Judas." Shawn shot Gus an angry glare.

"Really? A biblical reference? I don't think it's kosher for you to use a biblical reference when you're atheist." Gus said, trying valiantly to avoid the real subject for as long as possible.

"It's still a book and that makes it a valid allusion, but are you seriously going to use a Jewish word for the process of mercifully slaughtering animals to describe my supposed Christian bible reference faux-paux." Shawn argued. "Now, get to explaining your betrayal."

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**Gus's explanation is up next! Also, possibly some Shassie and hot~tub time next chapter! Well, what did everyone think? Reveiws? Anyone? Please? Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. I'm glad you like it so far. Please let me know if this chapter is off the mark or if you love it or if you are indifferent or if you think I suck or if you think pineapples are sexy!**


	8. Don't Lie!

**Another Chapter…No warnings except I guess self-loathing and angst on Shawn's part, but if you've made it this far into the story, that shouldn't bother you. **

**I do not own psych or the characters.**

**{If I did, Lassiter would have almost been infected with Thornburg instead of Jules. Gus would have been kidnapped instead of Abigail and Abigail would never have returned only to break Shawn's heart. She would have stayed away. Also, there would be a stronger reaction to Henry's comment about locking Shawn in the trunk of a car and Lassiter and Shawn would have kissed or at least embraced when Shawn was rescued after getting shot and kidnapped.}**

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Gus sat down again and explained. "I called your mom because I'm worried about you. I'm really worried. I don't think you understand that. Imagine if I was in a car accident- No, imagine if I was drowning- No, that's too cliché. How about if you were handcuffed to a chair as someone tortured me, slowly draining the life out of me? That's exactly how I feel. I want to help. I want to make your pain go away, but I can't. Calling your mom is my version of picking the lock of the handcuffs." Close to tears, Gus asked quietly. "Do you understand why I had to call her?"

"That was a bit melodramatic buddy, but I get it. I'm still pissed, but I understand why you called her." Shawn replied, adding. "Please don't cry."

Gus let out a small huff. "I'm not crying." He quickly wiped at his face. "And I wasn't being dramatic. I'm extremely worried about you, but I don't want you to be mad. Would it help if I told you what I said and what she said? It won't be exact. I'm not you, but I can summarize."

Reluctantly, Shawn replied. "Only if you don't think it will ruin our friendship."

"Well, first off, I didn't tell her about what your stupid ass father did. All I said was that I needed some help. She asked what kind of help. So, I told her that you were having issues dealing with memories and I needed to know how to help you control them. She sighed and said you should call her, but I told her you wouldn't do that and that I shouldn't even be calling. She told me it might not be as effective, but she explained the basics of how to tame your mind. I thanked her and asked her not to talk to you about it. She asked if you were okay and I lied and said you were."

"I am!" Shawn interjected loudly.

"Sure you are." Gus replied sarcastically. "Anyway, then she told me to take care of you and that's it."

"So, you didn't tell her why or anything?" Shawn asked hesitantly.

"I would never do that. No." Gus said, shaking his head.

"Okay. That makes me feel a bit better." Shawn admitted.

Gus relaxed minutely. "Good." Silence reigned for a minute or two, but this wasn't an awkward silence. Instead, it was a quiet reflective time. Then, Gus asked. "Do you want to try it?"

"What? My mom's weird voodoo?" Shawn asked.

"Voodo? Um, yes?" Gus replied hesitantly.

"Can we go in the hot tub first?" Shawn begged.

"Alright. I'll go change." Gus replied quickly.

Ten minutes later, Gus arrived at Shawn's room in his swim trunks. "Hey! Lassiter and Juliet are going to meet us at the hot tub. Are you ready?" Gus called through Shawn's bathroom door.

"They are?" Shawn asked as he peaked out the door, not showing anything but his head. His face was filled with mild panic. "Lassie-the-Adonis is out there? I can't go out there. Maybe I should just go to sleep."

"What? Why?" Gus asked confused. "I thought you'd want them to join us."

"I do. Maybe? But, he's never seen me like this before." Shawn replied shyly.

"Like what? Without your shirt?" Gus asked, confused. Shawn nodded. "So?"

"Well, you said he likes me. Right?" Shawn asked hopefully.

Gus nodded. "It's obvious to everyone but you."

"What if he doesn't like me anymore after he sees me?" Shawn looked away anxiously.

Gus frowned. "Why would that change his mind? I don't understand."

"Well-I mean- It's just that I don't have the best body and he's so gorgeous and I don't want him to see me and think that I'm gross and-"

Gus quickly interrupted Shawn's rambling musings. "That won't happen. You are hot, Shawn. I told you that. You have nothing to worry about. You turn heads everywhere you go. Stop worrying. I'm going out there now. If you aren't out there in ten minutes, I'm getting Juliet to drag you out."

"But Gus…" Shawn tried to argue, but Gus walked out of the bedroom quickly, leaving Shawn no choice but to get ready.

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It was closer to twenty minutes by the time Gus heard Shawn's voice. "Close your eyes Gus." Until that moment, Lassiter, Gus and Juliet had been conversing quietly in the hot tub, enjoying the comfortable atmosphere, while Gus had glanced repeatedly at the door hoping Shawn hadn't called his bluff about Juliet. Once Shawn took his place, they would each have a corner of the tub. Lassiter was next to Juliet who in turn sat next to Gus who had strategically left a place for Shawn between himself and Lassiter.

Gus groaned. "Not the Speedo!"

"Close your eyes or face your fear." Shawn declared, so Gus quickly shut them.

Lassiter and Juliet both stared at Shawn as he slid into the hot tub in between Lassiter and Gus. Shawn blushed and joked. "What? Pineapples are sexy. Okay Gus, you can open your eyes now. I'm in the water"

"Maybe pineapples are sexy." Lassiter mumbled quietly, but Shawn smiled and blushed even more as he heard the comment.

"Oh, they definitely, most positively are Lassie." Shawn replied seriously.

Lassiter blushed and tried to change the subject by tuning to Juliet and asking. "So, how's work?" Shawn, Juliet, and Gus burst into fits of laughter. "What? What!" Lassiter asked in confusion.

Shawn calmed first and explained. "You must be the least subtle topic changer I have ever met. 'How's work?' You couldn't think of anything else. Seriously? You work with her. If anyone would know exactly how work is, you would. There are so many other topics you could have chosen. 'What do you think of this weather?' or 'Have you heard about the new gun model they are coming out with?' And you didn't have to change the subject. Pineapples are sexy."

Lassiter quickly tried again as Gus and Juliet finally stopped laughing. "Why are you scared of his bathing suit?"

This time the topic change was a success as Gus stated emphatically. "That is not a bathing suit! That's a Speedo and they freak me out."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "So do leotards, and being accused of murder and-"

"Falsely accused." Gus interjected.

Shawn rolled his eyes again. "I did not think it was necessary to include falsely, since you are never going to kill anyone."

"Oh. Okay" Gus conceded. "You're right."

"I know." Shawn answered with a smug smile.

It was Gus's turn to roll his eyes as he said. "Of course you know. You're you. Anyway, what do you guys think of the place? Do you like your rooms?"

Everyone answered with an emphatic 'yes!' and complemented the luxurious mansion. Then began to talk about things they could so during their vacation, but their conversation was pretty much over before it started as Gus exclaimed. "Oh! I have to go and figure out what we all want for dinner."

Juliet climbed out of the hot tub as he did. "I'll go with you. I know what Lassiter eats and you know what Shawn eats, so we'll be able to figure everything out."

As they walked away, Shawn glared at Gus and Lassiter glared at Jules, but to no avail. Soon, they were gone and Lassiter and Shawn were sitting in the hot tub alone. In silence. "Okay, so maybe _they_ are the least subtle people I have ever met." Shawn commented to break the tension.

Shawn smiled as Lassiter laughed. Noticing Shawn's smile, he asked self-consciously. "What?"

Shawn blushed and averted his eyes. "I like your smile."

"Really?" Lassiter asked seriously, unconsciously scooting closer to Shawn in the tub.

Shawn noticed and glanced up nervously. "Really." He relaxed slightly as Lassiter smiled.

"You really do look good in that pineapple thing, you know." Lassiter commented quietly.

Shawn quickly wrapped his arms around his body in a protective manner. "You don't have to lie." He mumbled darkly, regretting his honesty about Lassiter's laugh.

"What?" Lassiter asked, confusion showing on his face. As Shawn made to get out of the hot tub, Lassiter quickly rose too. "Wait. What's wrong?"

Shawn kept his back to Lassiter as he replied. "You don't have to lie to get me to like you. I already like you. I know I don't look good, so you don't have to lie."

Shawn quickly walked through the glass doors and ran to his room as Lassiter called after him. "Shawn! Wait!"

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**So? How's this chapter? Do you like? Please Review! Actually, you don't have to. I like feedback, but I don't review every story I read, so I understand. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Next chapter is probably going to be more suicide stuff and Gus and Shawn time and Jules and Lassie talking and I may get to some more memories about Henry abuse. Not sure yet. I'm not one to plan ahead. I'm spontaneous! You'll just have to wait and see I suppose.**


	9. Revalations

**Warnings: Child Abuse and Cutting and Suicidal Thoughts!**

**I still do not own Psych or its characters!**

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Lassiter quickly dressed and found Juliet and Gus coming through the door that led to the kitchen.

"Where's Shawn?" Juliet asked when she saw him.

Lassiter lowered his head. "I think I screwed up."

Suddenly, Gus shoved Lassiter against the wall and did a good impression of one of Lassiter's growls. "What did you do?"

"I don't know." Lassiter didn't even try to break Gus's grip, but when it grew tighter, he repeated. "I really don't know."

Gus released him unwillingly as Juliet laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "What happened?" As Lassiter explained, Gus's expression became concerned and he excused himself in order to find Shawn. "Sorry about the whole throwing you against the wall thing. We'll see you guys at dinner."

After Gus was gone, Juliet and Lassiter found the living room and sat down to talk on the couch. Lassiter began. "I don't understand what I did wrong."

"From the sound of it, nothing." Juliet replied reassuringly.

"I had to have done something or he wouldn't have run away from me, practically in tears." Lassiter replied moodily.

"You know you didn't do anything wrong." Juliet insisted.

"Fine. You're right, but I wish I had because that would at least make sense. Does Shawn really not see that he's gorgeous? I mean, he has to at least own one mirror, right?"

Juliet shook her head sadly. "I don't know why he doesn't see it, but if you're going to start a relationship with him, then you'll just have to show him just how wonderful he is. And you better not hurt him, because I have no doubt that not only will I stop speaking to you, but Gus will kill you."

Lassiter smirked slightly. "You got that right. I've never seen him so angry. You don't have to worry though. I would never hurt him."

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Gus knocked on the door to Shawn's guest bedroom softly. "Shawn? Can I come in?" When no answer was forthcoming, Gus pushed the door open quietly. He looked around the room but did not see Shawn anywhere. He approached the bathroom door quickly and was about to knock when he heard a voice.

Shawn was repeating the same words over and over again in a small broken voice. "I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!"

"Shawn?" Gus called his best friend's name through the door, but again there was no answer. He cautiously entered the bathroom, but froze almost immediately at the scene that greeted him.

Shawn was on the floor, rocking back and forth. He had a razor blade in his hand and was slowly drawing it across his arm, making careful, precise cuts in time to his words. Each time he spoke his broken phrase, he made a new line and they were becoming progressively deeper. "I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!"

"Shawn!" Gus finally spoke in a strangled cry as he lunged at Shawn. He wrestled the blade away and threw it across the room. Then, he enveloped Shawn in his arms and rocked with him, shushing Shawn's wrecked words.

"Not good enough, not. I'm not. Never good enough." Shawn's words trailed into tears as he hung limply in Gus's arms. "I'm not. I-I'm not…"

"Shhh. Everything is okay, Shawn. Everything's going to be okay." Gus cooed, unsure of what else he could say and fervently hoping his promise would not fall through.

Suddenly, Shawn focused on Gus confused. "Gus?"

"Yea." Gus replied.

"Oh. I don't-When did you get here?" Shawn asked, still confounded.

"Um, before you killed yourself, but after you started making your arms into some twisted form of modern art." There was a lot of concern in Gus's voice, but also a fair amount of anger.

Shawn lowered his eyes to his arms and the tears grew stronger. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I could only hear his words. I-I zoned out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, really I didn't. I didn't."

Gus's anger fell away at the honesty in Shawn's voice, leaving only an enormous amount of concern. "Whose words?"

"Henry's." Shawn whispered.

"When he hurt you?" Gus asked and Shawn nodded. "What did he say?"

Shawn let out a chocked sob and closed his eyes, repeating his father's words verbatim. "The first time was the day mom left. He beat the crap out of me while he was screaming at me. 'You stupid little fuck. It's your fault. Me and your mother were fine before you came along. Why did you have to be born? We would have been fine without you. You have brought nothing but trouble. You will never amount to anything good. You are an evil little fuck and you will never be good enough to be called my son. You are an ugly worthless piece of shit. I wish you would just die, so I could have her back. I want her back…Bring her back. Bring her back!' Then he cried himself to sleep on the couch and I crawled into the bathroom, locked the door and passed out."

Gus's mouth opened in shock. It wasn't just the words, but the resigned matter-of-fact tone Shawn used as he spoke. "Oh God. Shawn. Just, let's get you cleaned up okay? Then, we'll talk."

Shawn nodded, but didn't speak as Shawn led him to the sink. He didn't look up as Gus cleaned and bandaged his cuts. Eventually Gus led him out of the bathroom and forced him to sit on the bed. Still Shawn would not meet Gus's eyes. Gus sat down next to him. "You know he wasn't right. He isn't right Shawn. Nothing he said is true."

Shawn shrugged, but still didn't speak.

"Please say something, or at least look at me. That stuff isn't true Shawn. You are a great person and an awesome friend. You have amounted to something wonderful. You are not evil and you are not worthless. Please tell me you know that."

Another shrug, then "Sure I know that, Gus." Shawn's tone was too fake for Gus to believe him.

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**Well, I updated again and sooner than usual, so yay. Not sure when I'll update again. More Shawn and Gus next time though. And yes I know I made Henry seem really harsh, but people say stupid things when they are drunk and hurting and angry, so I think it is at least in the realm of possibility. Review if you'd like.**


	10. Mansion

So, I read all the reviews for this story asking me to update and every one of them made me smile. To the person who left a bunch of reviews, thank you, you made me laugh. I'm soooo sorry it took like a year and a half, but life happened. I'm sorry if my writing is not as good as it was. It has been over a year since I've written anything. The last two days, I've been writing and updating and I will continue to try to. Some chapters may be longer than others, just whatever I can do. Again sorry it took soooo long. Thank you for reading. I do not own these characters.

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Knowing Shawn would not believe his words immediately, Gus gave him a hug and waited while he got dressed. Wearing a long sleeve turtle neck and jeans that hung loosely around his body, Shawn entered the dining room nervously with Gus by his side.

Shawn immediately went to Lassiter and pulled him away from his conversation with Juliet. "I'm sorry. You probably think I'm a freak now, but I can't explain, so…"

Lassiter quickly interrupted. "I don't think you're a freak, but I do think you're attractive and I'd like to try having a relationship with you if that's something you'd be interested in pursuing."

Smiling at the formal phrasing, Shawn smiled shyly. "I'd like that."

Dinner went by quickly. Gus practically force-fed Shawn, but his lack of appetite was not mentioned. Plans were made for the group to meet in the morning and make their plans for the day.

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Gus hesitated when they arrived back to their suite, but decided to say what he needed to say. "I want to try what your mom told me about. I know it won't work right away. I know it may take a while to get all your memories organized, but you are worth it. I can not handle a world without you in it and if that sounds like I'm totally gay for you, than so be it."

"Pshhh… You couldn't be straighter."

"Don't defect, Shawn."

Shawn tilted his head and squinted, looking at Gus in mick confusion. "Mom? When did you get a bodyectomy and why did you choose Gus? Is this because I never call?"

"A bodyectomy isn't a thing Shawn and lots of people know what deflecting is. I don't have to be a psychologist to-"

"Shrink"

"Psychologist"

"SHRINK!"

"Fine. Shrink. Can we just do this please? Or at least try. And you have to be serious the whole time."

"I hate being serious, seriously."

"Shawn, please."

Taking a deep breath, Shawn sat Indian style on the bed and motioned for Gus to do the same. He closed his eyes, took a couple deep breaths and spoke calmly. "My mind is a castle. It's a giant mansion with a bunch of rooms with locks. There are a lot of kids running around playing everywhere. Those are my thoughts. The darker ones are locked up in the rooms. Some aren't. They hide in the dark corners of the basement. The other children are scared to go down there. "

"You're serious?" Gus asked quietly. "You aren't trying to freak me out."

"No. How do you organize your thoughts?"

"I don't know. I just think about them I guess. They don't have a form. That's really creepy Shawn."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "It's not like you are in here with the creepy thought children. It's what I made up as a kid. You know I didn't have a lot of friends, so the thought of a whole house of kids playing was the first thing I thought of. If I need to remember something or think about some time, I look for that age child and remember what I need to remember. For the adult memories each kid has a specific style of clothes. Remember when I was really into biker clothes?"

"Who can forget the epic style disaster of '97?"

Shawn smiled. "Not me. Anyway, each kid has a bunch of memories from a certain time and the ones playing are the harmless ones like hanging out with you. The more difficult ones like crime scenes are locked away. You get it?"

"Sure, but how exactly do you lock them away?"

"I remember each event a child remembers and guide that child to one of the rooms. I hug them goodbye and leave them in a room with toys. The random memories all have rooms they go to for the night, but the bad memories I try to lock away. But some are harder, like the stuff with my dad. I have to remember so much and I just don't think I can handle it." Shawn admitted as a tear fell.

Gus sat for a moment, thinking. "Okay. Tomorrow we will start with when you got shot and Abigail stuff. We will save the stuff with your Dad for the day after. But right now, sleep."

"Do I have to take another pill?"

Gus sighed. "I won't make you but I think you should."

"Okay, but only if you sleep in this gigantic bed with me and chase away the monsters." Shawn said, trying to joke, but barely cracking a smile.

Gus smiled gently. "I can do that."


	11. The End!

I have to end this story. I lost inspiration, probably because it isn't on. I tried to get it back with the last chapter and failed miserably. So, this will be the last chapter. I don't want to leave it openended. I want to give it a conclusion. Thank you everyone who read and commented on this. I am sorry it took so long to finish. Thank you for your patience.

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It took a month to get all of Shawn's memories under control. Gus had as much trouble hearing the memories as Shawn had reliving them. There were a lot of tears on both ends. During this time, Shawn and Lassiter and Gus and Juliet continued to grow closer. Then came the day Lassiter and Juliet would be heading home, leaving the other two at the cabin to finish their vacation.

"I don't want you to go." Shawn whined childishly. "We're having so much fun and we haven't been able to any of the good stuff yet."

Carlton rolled his eyes. "I have to work and we'll have plenty of time for the good stuff when you get back."

"But-" Shawn was cut off by a deep sensual kiss that made him practically boneless.

"No buts. I have to go." Lassiter continued as Shawn leaned against him. "When you get back I am taking out to dinner and after we get back to my place, we'll have a nice long weekend full of the good stuff. Deal?"

"Deal." Shawn wasn't exactly happy about it, but there was nothing he could do. Gus wanted him to have another month of relaxation, since he finally had calmed his mind enough to enjoy life and Lassiter had to go back to work. He almost regretted making Carlton wait for sex. Almost, but he couldn't let him see the marks from his cutting incident. "I'll miss you."

"Me too Shawn. I'll call you every day. Promise me you'll have fun even if I'm not here. You and Gus do whatever it is you two do which I really don't think I want to know about and just enjoy yourself. Don't be in your head too much." Carlton fussed.

"I promise mom. Jeez!" Shawn laughed as they both watched Gus shyly kissed Juliet goodbye. Shawn yelled over to them. "I'm calling you Gules from now on or Guliet, maybe Juster. Hmmm...Gohara. Yep that's it. GoHara!" They both blushed as Lassiter laughed. Quieter, Shawn added. "Bye Carlie."

"Bye Shawn." They kissed once more and Juliet and Lassiter got in their car.

As the duo pulled away, Shawn and Gus looked at each other. "Well, it's just us now."

"What do you think we should do first?" Gus asked.

"Ooooh I know. Strip checkers!"

"Shawn!" Gus groaned.

"Strip jumping jacks!" Shawn suggested, raising an eyebrow.

Gus made a face. "Ewww. That's a lot of bouncing and dangling."

"True Dat!" Shawn nodded.

"Besides don't you think the best time for strip anything was when our girlfriend and boyfriend were here?" Gus pointed out.

"Well what do you suggest?" Shawn asked. "I don't see you throwing out any ideas."

"Hot Tub. What else?" Gus gave him a look like he was a maniac. "Duh!"

"Yep. Hot Tub it is. Speedo time!"

"No!"

"Yes! I couldn't wear it while Lassie was here. Now, I can. Deal with it!" He started walking to the house. "I wonder what he thought about the fact that I wouldn't get in the hottub after that first time. I bet he took it personally. Oh well, I'll work it out when we get back. Now, where was I? Oh hottub time!" Shawn started dropping articles of clothing as he walked.

"What are you doing? Why are you getting undressed? Please tell me you don't have a speedo on under that? Shawn!"

"Wait for iiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"


End file.
